This question is irritating and saddening in equal measure. Irritating because a part of you wants to go something like:
‘How was it? It was therapy. It was tiring, I was emotional, I feel like my outer shell has been ripped off and my fragile inner workings have been all twisted and inspected and picked apart and then – that’s the end of the session – buh bye, see you next week, I’ll just go walk around in the world with my innards spewing out everywhere, that’s cool.’
It’s also saddening because, depending on where you’re at in your Depression Cycle there’s another voice in your head that’s like:
‘Aw, whatshisname (or mum/ doctor/ strange homeless guy you speak to sometimes/etc.) really cares about how my treatments going. They really care about me feeling good and getting better.’
Yeah it begins nicely but then morphs into:
‘But what if I can’t get better? I’m going to let them down. What if I fail at getting better and this is just who I am forever? I’ll let everyone down. I’d better pretend that it’s all good and therapy is doing it’s thang…’
Then you may have that other part of you… if you:
A. Have got an over-active imagination
B. Have ever done any drugs
C. Were raised by an anxious parent or two
D. Are a human being
(or all of the above).. then you probably have that part that’s like:
‘Why are they even asking that? Why do they need to know? Do they want to know if I spoke about them? If I’m ‘fixed’ yet?’ …
Y’know, all that crap, which basically boils down to the one question:
‘CAN I TRUST ANYBODY?’ which for some reason you scream silently from the depths of your heart, but you’re not sure why.
Okay so, my initial sentence should have said: This question is irritating, saddening and suspicious in equal measure.
But then sometimes, it’s other things too.
Like, if you happen to be riding the up wave (lucky bugger, go enjoy it! You shouldn’t be reading this right now. This is best for that bitter, sarcastic purgatory period you get somewhere between down and up) then you might want to respond something like this:
‘It was fucking amazing! I feel awesome! You’re a total loser for not spending the last hour of your life talking to a stranger about your emotions! It’s the best! I’m the best! Life is the best! I smile in the rain!’
You know, that smug lunatic feeling. You know your joy is somewhat unexplained and in stark contrast to how you were feeling that morning/the previous day/ the previous week. But you also feel absolutely fantastic and you want to tell everyone about it, sing and smile at strangers, dance and laugh forever.
Some available support (UK):
- Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
- Mind (0300 123 3393 – 9am-6pm Monday to Friday) info@mind.org.ukMind provides confidential mental health information services. With support and understanding, Mind enables people to make informed choices. The Infoline gives information on types of mental distress, where to get help, drug treatments, alternative therapies and advocacy. Mind has around 140 local Minds providing local mental health services.
- Blurt Increasing awareness and understanding of depression. They offer advice and also have a peer support network, a ‘buddy box’ scheme, a free self-care starter kit and an active Facebook group.
- Anxiety UK (08444 775 774 – 9:30-5:30, Monday to Friday) works to relieve and support those living with anxiety disorders by providing information, support and understanding via an extensive range of services, including 1:1 therapy
Josephine Hall 